Fill my head with bubblebath
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to flee this world

and all that it takes

what was I thinking
nothing i guess

Act is the blossom of thought, and joy and suffering are its fruits; thus does a man garner in the sweet and bitter fruitage of his own husbandry.
                                               --James Allen

Sept. 26, 6:13pm-- Summer fades into the thin light of fall, and I find myself climbing too far inside of my head to touch anyone else outside.  Perhaps this explains my strange inability to communicate with other humans in the last couple of weeks.  I did not expect it so soon, but fall has come early this year... I really need to move to california.

September 18, 2:24pm--  You must have thought I'd forgotten you.  I promise I have not.  I have been whirling and twirling about the real world and thus incapable of looking in clearly enough to spell it out here.  I've been doing such strange things as building a nonprofit organization, and drawing religious pictures... Very odd.  I miss the warm familiarity of this site.  After having left for some time I now wander about noticing that it is as incomprehensible as my own mind.  Such chaos in seeming order? or is it order in chaos?  I forget where things are, search dilligently for this tiny space that so gently conceals the truth... hmm.  Soo... What is new? Is new? I think I've forgotten how to talk to men.  A strange thing really, coming from this girl of soft touches and innocent eyes. I see them in front of me now and know I have not passed the tip of their brow with my misunderstood sentiments. Too strange, perhaps I am becoming too strange.

30 June, 2:59pm--  So many days of neglecting my poor site.  I'm sorry to anyone out there who might have waited for my next day to happen.  So what has been going on?  How could I remember to tell you...  so what is going on now?  I have a 2 week old kitten who I've adopted and he makes me feel alive when my hands support that teddy bear face and give him life from plastic nipples.  I had an independent psychiatric evaluation for my disability hearing and I'm curious to find out if I'm crazy or not... he gave me the mmpi so I guess that is a definitive test on the issue.  Wouldn't it be fun If I find out I'm actually completely healthy and just deluding myself that I am suicidal?  Great thoughts huh?

June 2, 4am-- Spent tonight drawing erotica.  I hope to maybe sell some of it one day, but I must get better at it first.  Then I spoke at length to a girl who is happily sharing life with the man she loves, and she feels the same after one month with him as I felt since the first day with Abid.  I'm happy for her happiness but hearing my feelings echoed from her pink lips and shining forth from sea green eyes just makes me wish I was able to touch and hold the man I love as well.  So much to think about in life... I must find a Biologist to answer my virology question... does anyone out there know anything about viruses, genetics, gene therapy and etc... I am driving myself crazy not knowing the answer to this question in my mind.  Maybe I should start a page of questions, and answers when and if I find them... who knows, maybe tomorrow. G'night.

May 30. 3:17am--- I went to the coffee shop tonight, and I shouldn't have.  I spent hours with a boy who wanted me to smile, but couldn't coax me out of my misery.  I am so mad at that man!  why did he have to come and turn my world up-side-down...  if he is going to come to my space I wish he would do it with sweet words and kisses instead of just confusing me with his eyes.  I want to cry, I want to curl up and die, I want to see my therapist and beg her to help me not be suicidal just because of him.  its not fair to give anyone the power to hurt me that much, but I am not so smart when it comes to emotions, and I still should not be so fragile as I am.  Breaking apart at a breath, unable to withstand the merest wind, I should have died when I was a broken child.  My therapist will be on vacation next week and I will have to wait and wait if I can, or I will go to the hospital and not talk about my true feelings because... because I cannot talk about such things.  I fucking love him so much!!! why must it hurt to live each day, why am I not strong enough to go buy a fucking gun and finally say 'fuck it' for good!

May 25, 3:17AM--  Why can't I just keep my big fat mouth shut!!!  I get angry, dissapointed I suppose, and instead of exersizing the wisdom I SHOULD have gained by this time, I run off and create more drama than I ever wanted.  I'm Sorry Corinne.  I acted unfairly, and with an immaturity that I should have grown out of long ago.  I'm sorry I am so sensitive... I fear the worst, expect the worst, and find proof that you don't love me at all in the stillness of your voice.  I'm too unfair.  I shouldn't....

may 23 or 24-- I don't know what day or time it is and I guess I don't care.  I cried so hard... I wonder if my medicine is working or not, my therapist would say it's progress though... at least I feel something.  yeah, it hurts Donna.  So I feel stupid, I wonder why I try to be something more than what I've always been... at least then I didn't cry in public places and have to make up stories about imaginary allergies... I wonder why I didn't just follow my instincts... I've always been afraid of girls.  I know I'm too fragile, even if I didn't really know why.  Maybe I did know... maybe I knew I could easily find one who made me feel more human, who made me see that I might not be so alone, that there is hope for something more meaningful than floating through life with no one close enough to care if they care for me or not...  Anyway I found that girl.  So young I should have walked away from the age... I should not be fragile at my age anyway.  But I am, and I couldn't help but let her inside of what little heart I might have, and it's not her fault that I don't know restraint, that I can't go halfway... anyway... she doesn't even give a fuck.  Why should she?  She's known me for a few months, a single drop of time, and I should not have become attached but I guess she spoke my language too well for me to ignore her voice, and I don't blame her for not caring... I blame myself for caring that she doesn't and I blame myself for the humiliation of crying in public places when she tonelessly says... like it doesn't matter... that I can be mad, I have the right, for as long as I want... "let me know when you get over it"  like saying that there wasn't much traffic on her way home... like saying so loudly....."you pathetic idiot... How could you be stupid enough to care that much about this shit!!!! you hardly know me and I don't really know you!!!  don't you know it takes more to care....?"  and she's right.  she really is and I should have left that wall up but I couldn't find it and I'm too stupid to learn how to deal with people in a real way anyway....  I always said I'm not fit for human consumption.  I want to curl up into a little ball too, I want to just be alone, I want to be alone and not give a fuck again!!! 

May 17, 12:51am-- People are so strange.  I sit in front of a 27 inch screen, wondering how the world has come to this.  When sisters sleep with sister's men, when crowds laugh at crying girls, when pretty girls pen ugly mouths for all the world to devour.  I feel so old.  I watch these screams of foolishness and I think... "I would never get on tv and act like that..."  No, I have far too much self-respect.  Anyway, I haven't written for 8 days I guess.  I've been crawling inside of myself as promised, and guess what I found... Nothing at all.  What does that mean... Does that mean I'm truly not real because no one cares enough to remember my touch, not even me.  I even atopped reading her journal this week.  I am so lonely and I'm indulging myself in the sadness of the truth that I am truly alone.  Oh well.

may 8, 8:55pm-- drip...drip...drip...
He stares up at my wrist with his silvery blue eyes.  I wonder why he looks so confused.  His beautiful white fur is darkening with my life. Drip...drip...drip... can you hear it.  I'm so tired today, but I've been alone for longer than I should be... I know I can't be like this and still live. Drip...drip...drip... ER is on, more blood as I wonder if I will actually put on a costume and face the world, and the back of my thoughts are dripping blood on my poor cat with an intensity. I need to get out more.

may 7, 5:02pm-- you know, i do realize that he didn't mean to hurt me.he didn't see the connection between his words and my feelings, but that doesn't really matter.  he DID hurt me... quite badly and I somehow fear that i will never trust him again.  God, i don't believe humans are meant to be so fragile.  How can I be so easy to break, and the one person who wasn't paid to be trustworthy and supporting... how could such tiny words make me fear his mind.
it's not fair, you know. it's just not fair, and I wish I could forget that it ever happened that the pain of this tiny betrayal would slip into the small emptiness where it belongs. Oh well... I'm probably just over-reacting.

may 4, 8:39pm-- "what don't you like about yourself..."
i squirmed slightly, a bit afraid to admit such intimacies.  then the tender skin between the backs of my knees and calf became suddenly damp and i had to reply, "i... i don't like the way my hands bend in my sleep, they look like someone elses lies."
and then i became quiet.  that statement was a lie of course, i care little about what i seem to be when i'm asleep... that is my only chance to practice death.
but i couldn't admit to my shortcomings either, and i still can't.

may 4, 5:50pm-- today i woke up and the world was gray.  actually it still is and funny men walk on my 27" box and my kitties cry and eat fish shaped morsels of happiness.  but the world is gray and it seems somehow appropriate.  i've decided to step back into myself for a while and see how long it takes life to miss me... last time it never did... 

may 3, 2003--2:52pm--
she always looks at me with those sad, sad eyes.  i wish i could have been more, mom, i really wish i could have been more.  i'm not tho and i always find her staring at me with the question in her eyes... what did i do to deserve a child like this.  then the words fail me and i talk of things that don't matter because i know she couldn't see my soul if i were to place it there in front of her. i am too alien for human consumption.  i still believe that i am not human... not like all of the tender softness i see in everyone else when i look through the street.  i stand alone like a shadow... there might be some beauty in here, but most people can't understand that it's beautiful.

because of my lovely Rinn I will be inspired to write my days away
May 2, 1pm--- I have not kept a journal in years, and I wasn't exceptional when I did, but the loveliest lovely has dared me to dream that I might somehow become something more if I can learn to find a warmth inside of my heart.  I doubt that that will happen, but... but.... but if I might i must.
i had lunch with a small boy today, his tiny hands gripped hard metal as his lips parted slightly in anticipation.  such little boy teeth, like tiny square pearls on a bed of soggy pink velvet and his eyes met mine to ask me why I cried.  but there were no tears left for me to explain away and we sang instead
how much is that doggie in the window
the one with the waggily tail
how much is that doggie in the window
o please is that doggie for sale
my mommy used to sell me that song right before I went to bed to scream all night long.  are you weary of my pitiful life yet... I have been for years...  so much medicine to keep me alive but I have no more excuses to float downstream to the pope.

i wnt to say
"can't you smell that i don't belong here..."
but i know he won't understand
and he'll look at me with big round eyes and say
"but I love you"
and i'll hear him thinking, "that
SHOULD  be enough"
and i will look at him and say
"yes, yes, i wasn't serious... i know you love me"
even though i know that lie will
cost a thousand lifetimes of pain tommorow
but what else could i tell him...
that he never got close enough to
feel the heat of me inside.
that he never closed his fingers around
my beating heart and squeezed until
i felt all tight and nervous inside.
should i say i'm a liar...
not a woman,
but an ice sculpture, paid for by my father
something made from other stuff than truth.
that even if he touched me
i would still melt away,
and that death is inevitable, of course.
i could tell him that tommorow
but tonight i will sweeten his dreams
with false passion and forged tears.

they say i'm not crazy, just coo coo for cocoa puffs...
The Sea
the sea i ride, each wave, each crest
to live in folly and never rest
the sea i ride, in calm, in storm
to lose myself in life forlorn
each moment i ride in tranquility
is met by a moment i'm too scared to see
and the heartbeats of daring i suddenly find
are once again met by my fruitless mind.
when the tide is high i cannot lose
all moments are right, there's no way to lose.
then the tide it ebbs in its slothful way
and there's no beauty to find in each sullen day.
the sea i ride is not without harm
it bites the soul as it decays the form.
the sea i ride is a dangerous place
it hinders the heart as it tumbles away.
and each moment i ride into the unknown
may be of pleasure or beauty unsown,
or it could be of anger and disgust unto fate
of despair of my life and all that it takes.
this sea i ride may dangerous be
but i live for this life, i live for the sea.