come look inside my mind

Manic

Prologue

It was dark and smoky in the lounge where she met him. There were scattered couches in rich brown leather, and armchairs of a deep maroon and somber gold pinstripe. The music was a perfectly muted jazz combination, and the flickering candlelight cast becoming shadows across the shimmering cheeks of the other female patrons as she passed. Savannah was her name, Savvy for short, and much like that picturesque city in the languid Southern lands she held herself with a quiet dignity that never failed to impress.

As Savvy claimed a seat upon one of the slick leather couches, her lips moved in silent self-reassurance, Not now, not now, I will not be like this now.... Her beautifully molded face and shining hair did little to show the world the inner turmoil she was attempting to control. As she leaned back into the softness of the sofa, her mind raced with the nervousness of her wildly beating heart. She could feel the rapidly mounting energy, the restlessness of which shed become accustomed, and horrible fear that she would be unable to control her actions and words on this blind date.

She had realized, as she was showering, what a dangerous proposition this would be. To double the usual anxiety of a first date with the knowledge that she had no idea of what to expect. Savvy tried to calm herself with the thought that Jen knew her well enough to choose for her but at this moment, as she waited for his arrival, the only thing she could think of was a hurried escape.

As her breathing began its inevitable climb in speed, and she began to feel her rapidly more impulsive thoughts surge, she quickly reached down for her handbag to leave. Just as her fingers made contact with the shiny leather of her bag she felt the light pressure of a large hand upon her shoulder.

Savannah? came the deep melodic voice from above her, Are you OK?. Savvy took a deep breath and concentrated on a normal rate of speech as she replied, Im sorry... Youre Jake, right? Im sorry but I really have to go right now. Her chest heaved with the combination of anxiety and impending mania, she never even looked at him as she began to move away. Savannah, Jake spoke in that calm voice, at least let me make sure you get home, or wherever, safely. Savvy finally lifted her silvery eyes to his as she whispered, thank you, and they left.

The walk to his car seemed interminable. Each object they passed brought the euphoric sensation of discovery and brilliance. She connected the glimmer of the blacktop with the seashores of her childhood, she felt an almost incontrollable urge to paint, create, anything. As they finally approached his shiny silver sedan a glimpse of her own eyes passed her face and she was sure she would die if she didnt get the inspiration out of her.

Jake didnt speak, gently guiding her by her elbow and settling her into the depths of the front seat. As he slid quickly into the drivers seat he asked if she would be OK, a single tear slid down her cheek as she whispered something about not being fit for decent conversation at the moment. He looked at her strangely for a moment before he asked if she was becoming manic. Savvy released another tear as she nodded her perfectly coiffed head.

Jake reached into his back seat and produced a bottle of small pills. would a Xanex make you feel better? he asked. As Savvy opened the bottle she wondered aloud, why do you have Xanex in your back seat?. He smiled at her and said, I guess Jen neglected to tell you that Im a psychiatrist.... That would be like her. He paused for a moment then added, she was so excited about pairing us off... I guess she didnt want to scare you.

Savvy swallowed a sip from Jakes bottled water and felt the drug slide down her throat. Her mind raced with a million thoughts, but the loudest of them all was, how could Jen set me up with a psychiatrist? How could she think hed be up for dealing with a Bipolar multiple? Its bad enough when guys dont completely understand the extent of my illness. A Psychiatrist?.

Savvy waited a moment before she allowed herself to speak. So what did Jen tell you about me? she questioned. She noticed his dimples when he smiled in return, please dont hate her, but she told me that you were beautiful, intelligent, sexy, successful, wonderful and Bipolar. He put his hand on her forearm as he continued, Savvy, she was a little worried that you might get a overwhelmed by our blind date, she felt like she should let me know that you might act a little strangely if you got too nervous. I heard that part about you, but it was almost an afterthought. I was stuck on all of the other wonderful things Jen told me about you, your laughter, your childlike wonder at the world, your occasional silliness, your wonderful confidence and bravery. This disease isnt all there is about you Savvy, and I can tell that just from the few moments since we met... Plus, I implicitly trust Jens opinion of women.

Jake started the car with a smiling silence and began to drive out of the lot where he was parked, as he sat at the intersection of the lot and Euclid he asked so where am I going now?. Savannah managed a weak smile at her own forgetfulness and told him that she lived just off of Pine, only a few blocks away. He turned towards her home and began once again to speak. So what did my partner in crime tell you about me?, he wondered. Savvy smiled beatifically and replied, well... She said that you were handsome and charming of course, that she had been friends with you for years, she didnt mention that you are partners, though... She said I would be enraptured by your green eyes, and rolling from your humor. That you like to play practical jokes on your friends, and that you are at least somewhat addicted to golf. Savvy smiled again and added, I decided to overlook your love of golf if your eyes were as beautiful as Jen told me.

And the verdict? he asked playfully.

Well... I guess I can handle a little golf. She teased. As she directed him to pull in front of her building. Im sorry I couldnt stay for our date, She murmured looking down at her Platform heels. If you want we can try again later this week... Now that Ive met you I shouldnt get so nervous. she stammered. He replied lightly, its OK. we all have bad days. I would love to see you later, Thursday maybe?. She nodded and said goodbye as she stepped out from the sedan. He said hed call to confirm by Tuesday, and she nodded again as she hurried into the lobby of her apartment building.

Savvy shut the door to her apartment and momentarily leaned against it to collect her thoughts. Images of Jake shared space in her mind with the rapidly changing features of paintings deep inside of her mind. She suddenly leapt away from the door, pulling her dress over her head, she dropped it on the floor as she unhooked her bra with one hand and kicked off her shoes. No time for clothes! she thought as she nearly ran to her art studio. she mindlessly passed the hundreds of half painted pieces stacked on her way. Savvy approached her easel with the relief of the starving upon receiving food. Her hand reached for a brush and the strokes appeared in a magical rainbow of colors as she worked.

On the street below, Jake sat at the wheel of his car. He contemplated the stormy and beautiful woman hed just met. As he saw the flicker of a light four stories up he instinctively glanced to see if it was her. As he stared into the huge window of her studio he saw her, a sylph with a body worth dying for. Standing in front of him in a thong and her glorious chestnut hair as she painted, oblivious to the erotic scene she presented. Jake caught himself then. Ashamed at his observance of her in her private world, he started his car. A slow smile of satisfaction and joy spread over his features as he drove away.

-^-

Savvy woke up exhausted, wearing only a thong and covered with wild splotches of paint. Her head throbbed to the slow rhythm of her heart and her mind turned sluggishly to decipher the events before she crashed into this deceptively sweet slumber.

As she crawled out of her bed and stepped onto the chilly hardwood floor her eyes came to rest upon the thirty or so half-finished paintings from the previous nights frenzy. With a despairing sigh she fell back into the softness of her pillow bed. I cant deal with this right now... she softly swore. After deciding once again to move her bedroom out of her studio, she groggily reached for the phone and dialed Jens office number.

Dr. Holidays office, this is Beth came the cheery answer of the receptionist. Um Beth, This is Savannah Reeves. I need to speak with Dr. Holiday. Savvy hurriedly replied. Ok Ms. Reeves, let me see if shes available. Beth cheerfully supplied right before the soothing New Age music of the Chippewa Mental Health Center slid onto the line.

Jen answered more quickly than usual with a bright Hello, Savvy! Im so glad you called. How was it? Did you have as much fun as I promised? Isnt he amazingly good looking!... She asked with a speed that made Savvy even more tired. Jen, Hold on Ok? Just slow down. Im having a bad morning and I cant keep up with all of those questions. Savvy took a deep breath and continued, Ok, Yes hes really cute, and Im sure I would have had a lot of fun if I wouldnt have gone space cadet just as soon as I got to the lounge. Im really pissed off at You though. Why didnt you tell me hes a shrink? And what in Gods name would make you think a psychiatrist would want to date a nutcase like me?. Oh, Savvy... Look, first of all you didnt ask me what he did for a living and I felt that Id not mention it just in case you got all weird about it. Savvy, Youre not a nutcase. Most people with your history would be a lot worse off than you, and you are one of the strongest people I know. You also happen to be amazingly bright, funny, confident, ambitious, talented and kind. So why wouldnt he like you? Jen sighed. Look Savvy, get out of bed and get dressed. Ill make a reservation at the Bistro for lunch and well talk more about it. Did you take your meds yet? Savvy smiled No mommy, as you said Im not out of bed yet, but I am getting ready to take them now. Shall I meet you at noon then at the Bistro? Yep, Ill see you there Sav... Bye. Jen replied and hung up.

Savvy sat up and tried to shake away the residual grogginess of the Xanex, then smiled an ironic smile that she would be able to stay up and churn out 30 paintings but still wake up with a sedative hang-over. Reaching for the bottle of water on her nightstand Savvy gulped down almost all before lifting the delicately carved teak lid from the box on the nightstand and extracting a tiny white pill. breakfast.... she mumbled and finally got out of bed.

Mercy

Have mercy on me for I have sinned.

I have dared to dream of happiness

I gazed into a cloudless sky

Imagining that I might love.

Forgive my sin of vanity

For thinking I might be beautiful

For trying to live as dreams and dust

Free to fly and be joyful.

Have mercy on me for I have sinned.

I have thought I could have opinions.

On love, on life, on politics.

I have sinned this way for years.

Forgive my sin of philosophy

Gazing about the darkness of night

Wondering the meaning of life

Or perhaps my purpose in it.

Forgive my sins of humanity

For I am weak and frail of discipline.

I cannot survive on simple things.

I must have the best to be pleased.

Please...

Have mercy on me, for I have sinned.

I was reading Poe when I first saw him.. Between dark lines of pessimism I looked into eyes that made me believe. Im still not sure what drew me to this man. His looks were nothing unusual, I barely noticed him at first. Those eyes though... Eyes that seemed to draw me in and rip my defenses aside. They promised such pleasures that I never before considered. They were the eyes of a sinner and, for them, I longed to be damned. Our courtship was brief, a shallow whisper of sweet names amid the heavy breath of sticky summer air. We spoke in riddles and cared little to examine our words. His lips caught my hair and my cheek before I thought, and his hands pulsed with subtle energy and warmth upon my naked calves. His name seemed inconsequential at the time. I needed his body and tomorrow was but a fleeting thought between greedy gasps for air, his tongue drove away my restraint as he plundered my mouth with exquisite practice. I barely noticed our movement as we silently adjourned to the darkened gardens of the park. Losing ourselves in the foliage of summertime as the tender chirpings of playing infants drifted through the fragrant air. We tumbled upon each other as starving nomads in a lost city, our clothing the only barrier between us and salvation. His skin was damp and tanned to a golden hue, I thought only of new peaches and warm flesh. He was hot and velvety between my lips, and I felt his hands burning to the core of me as he stroked my aching flesh.

My Eternal Love

I will walk a long road to meet death.

Hold his hand sweetly as we speak.

I will kiss His cold lips as we make love.

I will plunge deeply the knife as we peak.

I will promise Him nothing of future.

I will forget all the torment of past.

I will lie in his arms peacefully.

As He takes me to heaven at last.

And Death will show me the bleakness of nothing.

As we share eternity as we swore.

He will teach me of things that I might have known.

Then teach me of everything more.

And the wind will be calm when Im with him.

The smoke shall subside in his midst.

All of my hopes shall go unheeded.

With the promise He holds in His fist.

And a lonely road I will walk to meet Death.

Holding hands as we tryst in the dark.

His lips will be cold and unforgiving.

As the knife that I plunge hits its mark.

Legacy

in words and ways she finds herself

not off the bed, yet on the shelf

for in this hellish circle resides

a touch of truth within the lies

in sudden somber fashion grows

dark petals like the sweetest rose

and then the hand of death reveals

a hopeless dream it means to steal

and shes asleep and yet awake

a tender heart whos souls at stake

with tender curving gentle touch

she loves too little and then too much

until the hand of death comes high

to take from her his sad goodbye

and in her soft and calm repose

youll glean from her the darkest prose

words of terror and of shame

secrets unsealed and laced with blame

the words of a love sweetly impure

words of an ill ness without any cure

the screams of revenge the whispers of hate

the cruelty of God the answer of fate

and in those words we all could find

the truth of ourselves through all mankind