come look inside my mind
|god I wish I could draw like this
What will I find today
A single tear rolls down my cheek
The only sign of my sadness.
As it drops to the pavement
All of its unfulfilled promises and
Dreams of beauty
At last this freedom I have so long desired is come.
I am at liberty to pass the hours and days as I will.
Perhaps besmirching a tender soul or two
As I wander about trying to make sense of this chaos We call life.
Maybe I will find you there,
And if I will?
Do you even wish to meet me upon this misbegotten path?
To forge our own footsteps out into the great beyond.
Or will I even know it is you who awaits me?
Will the red rose in your lapel, or the softness of your lips,
Entice me and beguile me?
Or again shall you see me?
Shall you see the woman I am?
Awaiting the passion of life that only one person can bring.
It was dark and smoky in the lounge where she met him. There were scattered couches in rich brown leather, and armchairs
of a deep maroon and somber gold pinstripe. The music was a perfectly muted jazz combination, and the flickering candlelight
cast becoming shadows across the shimmering cheeks of the other female patrons as she passed. Savannah was her name, Savvy
for short, and much like that picturesque city in the languid Southern lands she held herself with a quiet dignity that never
failed to impress.
As Savvy claimed a seat upon one of the slick leather couches, her lips moved in silent self-reassurance, Not now, not
now, I will not be like this now.... Her beautifully molded face and shining hair did little to show the world the inner turmoil
she was attempting to control. As she leaned back into the softness of the sofa, her mind raced with the nervousness of her
wildly beating heart. She could feel the rapidly mounting energy, the restlessness of which shed become accustomed, and horrible
fear that she would be unable to control her actions and words on this blind date.
She had realized, as she was showering, what a dangerous proposition this would be. To double the usual anxiety of a first
date with the knowledge that she had no idea of what to expect. Savvy tried to calm herself with the thought that Jen knew
her well enough to choose for her but at this moment, as she waited for his arrival, the only thing she could think of was
a hurried escape.
As her breathing began its inevitable climb in speed, and she began to feel her rapidly more impulsive thoughts surge,
she quickly reached down for her handbag to leave. Just as her fingers made contact with the shiny leather of her bag she
felt the light pressure of a large hand upon her shoulder.
Savannah? came the deep melodic voice from above her, Are you OK?. Savvy took a deep breath and concentrated on a normal
rate of speech as she replied, Im sorry... Youre Jake, right? Im sorry but I really have to go right now. Her chest heaved
with the combination of anxiety and impending mania, she never even looked at him as she began to move away. Savannah, Jake
spoke in that calm voice, at least let me make sure you get home, or wherever, safely. Savvy finally lifted her silvery eyes
to his as she whispered, thank you, and they left.
The walk to his car seemed interminable. Each object they passed brought the euphoric sensation of discovery and brilliance.
She connected the glimmer of the blacktop with the seashores of her childhood, she felt an almost incontrollable urge to paint,
create, anything. As they finally approached his shiny silver sedan a glimpse of her own eyes passed her face and she was
sure she would die if she didnt get the inspiration out of her.
Jake didnt speak, gently guiding her by her elbow and settling her into the depths of the front seat. As he slid quickly
into the drivers seat he asked if she would be OK, a single tear slid down her cheek as she whispered something about not
being fit for decent conversation at the moment. He looked at her strangely for a moment before he asked if she was becoming
manic. Savvy released another tear as she nodded her perfectly coiffed head.
Jake reached into his back seat and produced a bottle of small pills. would a Xanex make you feel better? he asked. As
Savvy opened the bottle she wondered aloud, why do you have Xanex in your back seat?. He smiled at her and said, I guess Jen
neglected to tell you that Im a psychiatrist.... That would be like her. He paused for a moment then added, she was
so excited about pairing us off... I guess she didnt want to scare you.
Savvy swallowed a sip from Jakes bottled water and felt the drug slide down her throat. Her mind raced with a million thoughts,
but the loudest of them all was, how could Jen set me up with a psychiatrist? How could she think hed be up for dealing with
a Bipolar multiple? Its bad enough when guys dont completely understand the extent of my illness. A Psychiatrist?.
Savvy waited a moment before she allowed herself to speak. So what did Jen tell you about me? she questioned. She noticed
his dimples when he smiled in return, please dont hate her, but she told me that you were beautiful, intelligent, sexy, successful,
wonderful and Bipolar. He put his hand on her forearm as he continued, Savvy, she was a little worried that you might get
a overwhelmed by our blind date, she felt like she should let me know that you might act a little strangely if you got too
nervous. I heard that part about you, but it was almost an afterthought. I was stuck on all of the other wonderful things
Jen told me about you, your laughter, your childlike wonder at the world, your occasional silliness, your wonderful confidence
and bravery. This disease isnt all there is about you Savvy, and I can tell that just from the few moments since we met...
Plus, I implicitly trust Jens opinion of women.
Jake started the car with a smiling silence and began to drive out of the lot where he was parked, as he sat at the intersection
of the lot and Euclid he asked so where am I going now?. Savannah managed a weak smile at her own forgetfulness and told him
that she lived just off of Pine, only a few blocks away. He turned towards her home and began once again to speak. So what
did my partner in crime tell you about me?, he wondered. Savvy smiled beatifically and replied, well... She said that you
were handsome and charming of course, that she had been friends with you for years, she didnt mention that you are partners,
though... She said I would be enraptured by your green eyes, and rolling from your humor. That you like to play practical
jokes on your friends, and that you are at least somewhat addicted to golf. Savvy smiled again and added, I decided to overlook
your love of golf if your eyes were as beautiful as Jen told me.
And the verdict? he asked playfully.
Well... I guess I can handle a little golf. She teased. As she directed him to pull in front of her building. Im sorry
I couldnt stay for our date, She murmured looking down at her Platform heels. If you want we can try again later this week...
Now that Ive met you I shouldnt get so nervous. she stammered. He replied lightly, its OK. we all have bad days. I would love
to see you later, Thursday maybe?. She nodded and said goodbye as she stepped out from the sedan. He said hed call to confirm
by Tuesday, and she nodded again as she hurried into the lobby of her apartment building.
Savvy shut the door to her apartment and momentarily leaned against it to collect her thoughts. Images of Jake shared space
in her mind with the rapidly changing features of paintings deep inside of her mind. She suddenly leapt away from the door,
pulling her dress over her head, she dropped it on the floor as she unhooked her bra with one hand and kicked off her shoes.
No time for clothes! she thought as she nearly ran to her art studio. she mindlessly passed the hundreds of half painted pieces
stacked on her way. Savvy approached her easel with the relief of the starving upon receiving food. Her hand reached for a
brush and the strokes appeared in a magical rainbow of colors as she worked.
On the street below, Jake sat at the wheel of his car. He contemplated the stormy and beautiful woman hed just met. As
he saw the flicker of a light four stories up he instinctively glanced to see if it was her. As he stared into the huge window
of her studio he saw her, a sylph with a body worth dying for. Standing in front of him in a thong and her glorious chestnut
hair as she painted, oblivious to the erotic scene she presented. Jake caught himself then. Ashamed at his observance of her
in her private world, he started his car. A slow smile of satisfaction and joy spread over his features as he drove away.
Savvy woke up exhausted, wearing only a thong and covered with wild splotches of paint. Her head throbbed to the slow rhythm
of her heart and her mind turned sluggishly to decipher the events before she crashed into this deceptively sweet slumber.
As she crawled out of her bed and stepped onto the chilly hardwood floor her eyes came to rest upon the thirty or so half-finished
paintings from the previous nights frenzy. With a despairing sigh she fell back into the softness of her pillow bed. I cant
deal with this right now... she softly swore. After deciding once again to move her bedroom out of her studio, she groggily
reached for the phone and dialed Jens office number.
Dr. Holidays office, this is Beth came the cheery answer of the receptionist. Um Beth, This is Savannah Reeves. I need
to speak with Dr. Holiday. Savvy hurriedly replied. Ok Ms. Reeves, let me see if shes available. Beth cheerfully supplied
right before the soothing New Age music of the Chippewa Mental Health Center slid onto the line.
Jen answered more quickly than usual with a bright Hello, Savvy! Im so glad you called. How was it? Did you have as much
fun as I promised? Isnt he amazingly good looking!... She asked with a speed that made Savvy even more tired. Jen, Hold on
Ok? Just slow down. Im having a bad morning and I cant keep up with all of those questions. Savvy took a deep breath and continued,
Ok, Yes hes really cute, and Im sure I would have had a lot of fun if I wouldnt have gone space cadet just as soon as I got
to the lounge. Im really pissed off at You though. Why didnt you tell me hes a shrink? And what in Gods name would make you
think a psychiatrist would want to date a nutcase like me?. Oh, Savvy... Look, first of all you didnt ask me what he did for
a living and I felt that Id not mention it just in case you got all weird about it. Savvy, Youre not a nutcase. Most people
with your history would be a lot worse off than you, and you are one of the strongest people I know. You also happen to be
amazingly bright, funny, confident, ambitious, talented and kind. So why wouldnt he like you? Jen sighed. Look Savvy, get
out of bed and get dressed. Ill make a reservation at the Bistro for lunch and well talk more about it. Did you take your
meds yet? Savvy smiled No mommy, as you said Im not out of bed yet, but I am getting ready to take them now. Shall I meet
you at noon then at the Bistro? Yep, Ill see you there Sav... Bye. Jen replied and hung up.
Savvy sat up and tried to shake away the residual grogginess of the Xanex, then smiled an ironic smile that she would be
able to stay up and churn out 30 paintings but still wake up with a sedative hang-over. Reaching for the bottle of water on
her nightstand Savvy gulped down almost all before lifting the delicately carved teak lid from the box on the nightstand and
extracting a tiny white pill. breakfast.... she mumbled and finally got out of bed.
|me at 10
|I was so young then
How could you?
To be tempted by my innocence.
To steal it away without a thought.
To say you never hurt me.
To say you never did anything wrong.
You bring me such shame.
To know I owe my life to someone like you.
That through your evil soul
That your hands molded me into the woman Ive become.
On my mother... Then on me.
How could you
Attempt to inject me with your perversity.
Take away my soul when it never belonged to you.
Break me apart like some useless thing.
You hurt me.
You broke me.
How could you?
|Coming Home -- 35mm Color
Have mercy on me for I have sinned.
I have dared to dream of happiness
I gazed into a cloudless sky
Imagining that I might love.
Forgive my sin of vanity
For thinking I might be beautiful
For trying to live as dreams and dust
Free to fly and be joyful.
Have mercy on me for I have sinned.
I have thought I could have opinions.
On love, on life, on politics.
I have sinned this way for years.
Forgive my sin of philosophy
Gazing about the darkness of night
Wondering the meaning of life
Or perhaps my purpose in it.
Forgive my sins of humanity
For I am weak and frail of discipline.
I cannot survive on simple things.
I must have the best to be pleased.
Have mercy on me, for I have sinned.
I was reading Poe when I first saw him.. Between dark lines of pessimism I looked into eyes that made me believe. Im still
not sure what drew me to this man. His looks were nothing unusual, I barely noticed him at first. Those eyes though... Eyes
that seemed to draw me in and rip my defenses aside. They promised such pleasures that I never before considered. They were
the eyes of a sinner and, for them, I longed to be damned. Our courtship was brief, a shallow whisper of sweet names amid
the heavy breath of sticky summer air. We spoke in riddles and cared little to examine our words. His lips caught my hair
and my cheek before I thought, and his hands pulsed with subtle energy and warmth upon my naked calves. His name seemed inconsequential
at the time. I needed his body and tomorrow was but a fleeting thought between greedy gasps for air, his tongue drove away
my restraint as he plundered my mouth with exquisite practice. I barely noticed our movement as we silently adjourned to the
darkened gardens of the park. Losing ourselves in the foliage of summertime as the tender chirpings of playing infants drifted
through the fragrant air. We tumbled upon each other as starving nomads in a lost city, our clothing the only barrier between
us and salvation. His skin was damp and tanned to a golden hue, I thought only of new peaches and warm flesh. He was hot and
velvety between my lips, and I felt his hands burning to the core of me as he stroked my aching flesh.
My Eternal Love
I will walk a long road to meet death.
Hold his hand sweetly as we speak.
I will kiss His cold lips as we make love.
I will plunge deeply the knife as we peak.
I will promise Him nothing of future.
I will forget all the torment of past.
I will lie in his arms peacefully.
As He takes me to heaven at last.
And Death will show me the bleakness of nothing.
As we share eternity as we swore.
He will teach me of things that I might have known.
Then teach me of everything more.
And the wind will be calm when Im with him.
The smoke shall subside in his midst.
All of my hopes shall go unheeded.
With the promise He holds in His fist.
And a lonely road I will walk to meet Death.
Holding hands as we tryst in the dark.
His lips will be cold and unforgiving.
As the knife that I plunge hits its mark.
in words and ways she finds herself
not off the bed, yet on the shelf
for in this hellish circle resides
a touch of truth within the lies
in sudden somber fashion grows
dark petals like the sweetest rose
and then the hand of death reveals
a hopeless dream it means to steal
and shes asleep and yet awake
a tender heart whos souls at stake
with tender curving gentle touch
she loves too little and then too much
until the hand of death comes high
to take from her his sad goodbye
and in her soft and calm repose
youll glean from her the darkest prose
words of terror and of shame
secrets unsealed and laced with blame
the words of a love sweetly impure
words of an ill ness without any cure
the screams of revenge the whispers of hate
the cruelty of God the answer of fate
and in those words we all could find
the truth of ourselves through all mankind
I despair this life.
So much talent wasted in me.
The might of a pen
Placed in weak hands.
The hope of a mind
too scattered to prosper
Eyes of great vision
Gifted to an empty vessel.
O, the beauty I could share
If only I could live and love
And be truly human.
But no... I am lost.
Plagued by demons I cannot escape.
Burdened with an empty soul.
Held back by the Hell of my life.
There is no hope for my redemption.
Ive no strength to even breathe
To bear a life of failure
...If only because I cause it.
There can be no savior for a hopeless sinner...
Nit one who is full of wasted talent
And brokenhearted dreams.
Your arms around me, mouth to mouth
the kiss of life... the desire of us
your hands on me as though seeking deliverance
mine clutching you as I often hold hope
your eyes probing deeply... seeking what?
my eyes averted in indecision, or maybe caution
your lips again, demanding and gentle
hands that do not stop... hands that dare
dare me to fall closer into you
closer to that cottony hair, playful goatee
eyes that laugh and smile in all seriousness
A schedule I can only dream to fit into
arms that hold me so perfectly
arms that pick me up, against the wall
to kiss you deeply when we should have stopped
kisses falling deeper and deeper still into my cleavage
whispers of pain or delight escaping those lips
your goatee... begging to be stroked
your fingers in my mouth
my head against your chest... heart pounding
a kiss on your forehead.
small promises of smiles and safety...
The Concept Of Twin Flames
I just dont know what to think about him. I know that things can be very fragile, life can be very fragile. Choices are
often the most dangerous adventures upon which we embark. I cannot reconcile the idea of how I came to know him, and how I
feel about him. These things confuse me and leave me feeling absurd.
How dare I dream of a man I dont know? How dare the fates then bring him into my life? Why must the promise of joy be laced
with the agony of impossibility?
I met him two years ago. I was lying peacefully in my bed with my arms around a beautiful man I thought I wanted. We were
together for nearly two years. I couldnt be angry with him if he wasnt clothed. I was sleeping in his arms that night when
I dreamed of another man. A man I didnt know. A man who could fill me with desire and peace without a word. A man whose eyes
told me everything I needed to know about him. A man whos very soul mirrored my own.
In the morning I awoke to the reality that this man did not exist. He must, of necessity, be a product of what I desire
in a relationship, in a man. He would only be a combination of traits I enjoy. The tallness and strength to protect me. The
wisdom and joy of a soul that whispers softly in my ears. The passion of storms high in the heavens, touching me with electricity
and beauty I have never before found.
I resigned myself to the truth of his absence. I didnt even miss it... For only a fool would miss a dream. I lived my life
in the world of reality. I shared my passion with Ben and my camera. I taught him as he taught me. Two opposite souls burning
from the sheer unmatched quality of our mating. It was true lust of an amazing quality... and the most I ever wanted to share
with a man.
When Our time ended I found myself with a new desire. The desire to find truth in its most pure of existence. To know love
as I had never dared to dream. To be fulfilled by the sight of another. To love the breath and air which sustains him.
At that time I vowed to myself to never become intimate with another man until either I was married for the mere stability
of being loved by someone who adores me, or until I found the man who could inspire me to possess the ultimate beauty of loving
another human being.
I have since that time... less than a year... maintained absolute chastity. Not one mouth have I pressed against my own
in the promise of desire. Never has my hand reached out to another with the whisper of passion... I had no need.
The only thought in my mind was future. To create a life which could provide the satisfaction of sweetness and erase the
worries of the mundane. Men were a secondary proposition that only cause complications in a complicated world. I love simplicity.
I love to find beauty in the sky and myself. i am also quite happy without the pressures of someone elses happiness.
On the fateful day I met him I was quite sure of my commitment to being absolutely alone. I have so many things to accomplish
that any distraction would be a burden I would not bear.
I was out with a girl I knew very little. We peeked into a lounge I wanted to visit someday, anf left because we were supposed
to be somewhere.
When she wanted to return, I was simply accommodating the whim of a stranger. A stranger who believed in the complexity
of fate, and felt it was her fate to return. It was with reluctance that I entered that lounge a second time... My warm bed
and poetry were beckoning me.
Then I walked in and found the haunting eyes of a long ago dream. A dream I had since forgotten to remember, except on
cold lonely nights as I slept.
He was real, and he was right in front of me.
All of the natural grace and eloquence Id always taken for granted fled in the light of amazement. I knew no speech. I
heard no sound. I saw only the glittering black diamonds of his eyes, and wondered at a world that would allow me a glimpse
of the unknown.
From that day forward I sat in quiet contemplation of the impossibility of premonition. I wondered how I could dream the
truth, and what the truth could then mean in reality. I felt no fear, and yet fear became more a friend. For I am afraid of
the uncertainty of.... Things I never even attempt to consider.
I would wander into his presence and watch the movements of a dream come true in front of me. I would observe and consider
how this could affect my simple plans for the future. I grew to understand the evil sarcasm of fate. A fate who would show
me something I cannot have. A fate that seems determined to teach me humility and patience for all of my lack of desire to
learn these things. A fate that laughs in the face of my innate arrogance and shows me that I wont always get what I desire.
A fate so cruel as to taunt the tortured.
And yet I had found the only true happiness Ive ever known. All of my life I have been untouched. The face of my friends
and family brought only comfort, not love. The touch of others adoring me brought only a sense of safety and satisfaction.
Never had anyone produced emotion from my heart.
I was pure in the sense of coldness. A rain of snow blanketed a mind I always knew could feel, but never allowed to. Never
did someone drive me to dream of tomorrow, or hope for tomorrow in their arms. Only a slight attachment, or comfort in their
Upon meeting the dream I found myself taken. As though the choice to remain pure were out of my hands. That I had no choice
but to feel for him. There was only the truth in front of me. The truth that life could exist for a girl so empty that
she only loved the intangible hopes of beauty in nature, or in the face of femininity.
This provided me with unsought, or dreamed of happiness. It made me real in ways I never hoped to exist. It showed me that
life can hold some mystery I want to find out about, and that emotion is not impossible.
I became so happy that the only possible outcome became resignation. I resigned myself to the knowledge that I will not
have him as a lover, for I could not give myself only part way. I have no right to love him, he belongs to another, and armed
with this knowledge I have resigned myself to a future of living my passion through the lens of a camera.
For if meeting him has done anything, it has strengthened my commitment to remain chaste. It has shown me the futility
of injuring those who would love me by giving false promises of endearment, and I must never give myself to a man who does
not care deeply for me.
I have also found that within my desire for him I have also the truth that to love him truly I must join with him rightly.
To share my love with him dishonestly would only taint my heart and mind.
This is my strange story. A story so beautiful Im still unsure if Im actually awake now. A story that caused me to reconsider
the ideas that I had long since forgotten... The questions of soul mates, and true love. I still do not know if such things
exist, but I do know that if I have one... He is my soul mate. Although I still do not know if that would make me his.
I am so happy to have met him that my solitude no longer hurts. Im just happy to feel unguilty for the hours I spend in
his arms as I sleep, a lack of shame that would not exist if I were promised to another. I am happy now to be satisfied with
an acquaintance I know and love, and yet do not know at all... Just to be able to see that his eyes are real.
zippy, zestful, zealous, zany, youthful, yielding, yearning, Yankee, wry, writer, wretched, wowed, worthy, worrywart,
worldly, wordy, woozy, wonderful, womanly, woman, woeful, witty, witnesser, with-it, withdrawn, witch, wistful, wishful, wise,
wise-ass, winsome, winning, wily, willing, willful, wild, wholesome, whole, whiz, white, whimsical, westerner, weird, well,
well-born, well-disposed, well-groomed, weary, weak, wayward, watchful, wastrel, WASP, warrior, warped, warm-hearted, wanton,
wanderlust, wan, wallflower, waif, wacky, vulpine, vulnerable, votary, voracious, voluptuous, voluptuary, voluble, volatile,
vocal, vixen, vivid, vivacious, vital, visual, visionary, virtuous, vigorous, vigilant, victorious, vibrant, viable, vestal,
vespertine, versed, veritable, veracious, Venusian, venturesome, venerable, variant, vamp, valorous, valiant, vain, vague,
urgent, urbane, uproarious, upright, uppity, upbeat, unwary, unusual, untouchable, unthinking, unstructured, unsteady, unruly,
unruffled, unrestrained, unreserved,