Fill my head with bubblebath
Home | Sweetness and Light | come look inside my mind | more of me | Forgetting Forgotten Lovers | Divine Inspiration or Some Such Madness | to flee this world | Great Words | such beauty | find me here

links and a tragic afterthought

Seminaries rock!

My Other Sites

Our Lily Pad

scattered links of note

musik info for musicians etc. at maximum ink

"Best site for Zoroastrian people and business directory, news, and discussion forum."


Im wondering what the correct way to begin a story about my lost love is. Perhaps the love isnt lost, and maybe it wasnt even love at all.

His name is Vina. Hes wonderful, beautiful and so very perfect for me. He lives in thoughtfulness, he smiles with all purity, and he touches me somehow. I trust him... I who does not trust. He makes me feel... I who never feels. He makes me believe even as I am an unbeliever. He brings me peace with a look, and passion with a thought. I think that might be what love is, but I do not love. I never have, and I refuse to be convinced that I am capable of such noble emotion. Yet, there is Vina.


There are a lot of things I never do. I never feel safe, I never completely let go, I never relax, I never feel, I never ever hope. I also never go out with anyone I meet in a bar. I met Vina in a bar. A lounge to be exact. I was happily entertaining myself with observance of my muse. The muse was Eric, a tall, dark and dangerous man with hair that fell in curls on the nape of his neck. Eric inspired me to write again, elaborate ballads of love found and lost, the complexity of God and art, and the truth of myself as an artist. I watched him that night, a Tuesday, as I giggled with my roommate at the candlelit bar and enjoyed the sweet strains of jazz caressing my impatient soul. Vina was four seats to my left, a study in black, and I watched him watching me with thoughtful eyes. I wouldnt have spoken to him, but he started the conversation. Being a fairly civilized woman I responded to him in kind. We spoke about art and insanity, he chastised me for my use of crazy, and told me shortly that crazy is a negative word. I smiled and said I didnt think of it that way. Im crazy, you see, and I dont think its a bad thing at all. It improves my artwork, and certainly lends itself to making my life quite interesting. It was then that he asked me if I was Bipolar. It was in absolute astonishment that I confirmed his guess. How did you guess that? I asked quickly, Im not manic right now... Do I have a sign on today?. He smiled his unreadable smile, Im a doctor, a resident actually, Im training to be a psychiatrist. As if that explained it completely.

We spent a few minutes longer in conversation about my condition, and then moved on to movies and Hollywood Schlock. He was more than interesting, but I didnt think much of it at all until he asked if we could go out sometime. To say that my mind was racing at those words would be an understatement. I couldnt believe a Psychiatrist (resident) would have any interest in dating a Manic Depressive, and yet I knew even then that it would in all likelihood be the best and most interesting date of my life.

I saw him again the next evening, I went briefly to the bar next to The Lounge to grab some good Jamaican food. He was at the coat check as I prepared to take my food and leave. We said hello with joyous eyes and he asked if I was staying. The answer was no, I wasnt in the mood to feel out of place, but I did tell him Id be upstairs at The Lounge if he wanted to stop by.

The next hour was full of me again watching Eric as he smooth-talked the flora and fauna that habitually came in to flirt with him. Then as I was getting ready to go home Vina walked in. He ordered a Rasta man (Kind of like a Cosmopolitan) and asked me to join him on the couch. He had a headache, and our conversation was sort of limited. When we left as The Lounge closed He was drunk enough to stumble along, I smiled and went home to write some more about Eric.

As I sat at my computer reaching for inspiration my mind turned to Vina. It seemed like a bad joke my father would tell me... So theres this Psychiatrist who started dating a crazy woman.... It was clear that he enjoyed my company though. We could begin with the fact that every time we met I was with my supermodel look-alike roommate, and yet he never gave her a second glance. Then the fact that whenever we were talking ...He was just so into me.

I guess you could say the first thing I felt about this was flattered. I mean, here he is a 28 year old doctor from the Caribbean, hes good looking, intelligent, charming and extremely funny. It seems to me that he could have his pick of woman. So I felt very flattered. Who am I? A 26 year old Bipolar girl with no job, and no prospects of getting one. Sure Im an artist, and a pretty good photographer. Ill admit that Im passably intelligent, and occasionally witty, not too unattractive if you can look past my extra fifty or so pounds, and pretty ambitious as far as crazy Artists go, but... And this is a big one... I cant imagine how he could think of me as being good enough for him to date.

I left my computer to sit in front of the television and think further on the issue, maybe he just likes crazy women, maybe he likes women with a few dozen extra pounds, maybe... Maybe he really does like me. Ill think about it when I get to Tara... I thought with a very Scarlet like smile. Pencil in hand I began to sketch, approaching the fresh white piece of paper without any idea or expectation as is my habit I began to draw a man. Before I knew it Vinas face was staring up at me, the slightly puffy eyes from lack of sleep, the full lips that spoke so well, the devilish goatee I so longed to tug on as if I were a child... Him, in all of his beauty, Vina.

I stared at the paper for long minutes as I considered the enormity of this feat. I have never been capable of drawing a man I romantically interested in, any man I wasnt looking at, any man... until Vina. I lost myself in the implications of this miraculous event. The crazy woman is really interested in the Psychiatrist.







****** Chapter 1*****



Ive never been in love. I guess I never even wanted to be. I would walk through life as if it were a long and strange dream, and most of the time I felt as if I were the most unreal part of it all. I define myself as an artist, sometimes, at other times I see myself as a mentally ill woman who has lost hope for getting better.

Sometimes I sit in my home and write endless pages of poetry I dont understand the next day, or draw pictures that I no longer find beautiful in the light of sanity. Then there are the times when I read five or ten books in one week, spending each waking moment in other worlds created for my escape. In them I dont have to think about the rent, or the money I owe to whom. I dont have to worry about killing myself, I only have to live vicariously and experience the risk and exhilaration of someone else's love.

Thats my biggest fear about loving someone, The risk. I know that I will inevitably lose them, even if we love so purely and truly, because I have never been able to hold on to a good thing for very long. I cant imagine setting myself up for a loss so hard. I have such a high risk of suicide as it is, how could I jeopardize my life for something so fleeting as the emotions of someone else? How could I place what little soul I have left at the mercy of an unknown? No, I never wanted to fall in love.

Ive been in lust... a few times. Men so beautifully sculpted, as David from times past. With skin glowing and honeyed with the sun they worship, eyes that burn with passion and fury for joy and anger, with thoughts about today only, and kisses that sear me as surely as they empty my soul of all emotion for them. Lust is an enjoyable hobby. It gives me the companionship of a man without the risks of a partner, it consumes me physically and artistically, it inspires me to write beautiful poetry about the love I never wanted to feel. Lust... a good risk.

Eric, The Lounge Manager, was lust and confusion. A strange sequence of events I cannot explain, I dreamed of Eric two years before I met him. a strange enough dream for me to remember from time to time. I was looking for an apartment in a beautiful complex with amenities that I could not believe; you could get unfurnished or fully furnished apartments for the same price, and oh how they were furnished. Floor plans and decor for every style a person could want, the cold minimalism of steel, white and black with original Jackson Pollack paintings on the walls, the tender romanticism of the Victorian age with love seats and chaise lounges of soft velvet, walls painted red and blue and green. The simplicity of Zen in pale pastels, and my personal favorite, an eclectic mix of everything old and new with artistic touches like a grand piano in the sitting room. As the rental agent in her black Armani suit gave me the tour of the grounds I saw a beautiful woman playing Chopin through her floor to ceiling window, I saw happy couples walking beautifully groomed dogs of impeccable breeding, and then we came to my favorite place in the complex, a department store with all of the latest designs in fashion and make-up... Free to the tenants of the complex.

I decided to take the loft Id fallen in love with and stayed at the department store while the agent got started on the paper work, as I browsed through row upon row of the most beautiful Parisian garments I noticed a man rollerblading in the street. He saw me and came over to where I was, he began to blade in circles around me as I stared intently into the most amazing eyes Id ever seen. Then he reached out and touched my hand, and I knew that he was my soul mate.

I rarely thought of the dream, only if I met some dark haired man who matched his general description. I went on with my life, dating this guy for his looks, and another for his intelligence or charm. I existed in my morose way, finding solace in my art or the writings of others. I dated when I wanted to, but never in all seriousness. Never a man I could fall in love with.

Then in October I suffered from a very serious bout of depression and anxiety, for a long period I became a virtual prisoner of my mind, trapped within the relative safety of my home and driving my very sane roommate crazy. I filed for social security and began to isolate myself from everything I possibly could, and I considered suicide as the only promising solution to my profound depression.

In December I began to leave my hiding place little by little, I ventured out to a coffee shop with my brother and there I met Lindsay. Lindsay was a somewhat unattractive but intensely outgoing girl. She laughed easily and I found her high spirits reassuring. We decided to meet up for a night out the next day, and that is where Eric comes into my life.

I dont even remember where we went before we finally stopped by Shivas we spent some time doing our, none too good, salsa steps, and then left when the crowd began to make me anxious. As we were leaving I noticed The lounge, it was a place I had long meant to visit so I looked inside to see what it was like. There was a guitar player that night and he was singing soft ballads to an appreciative crowd. We left to go back to the coffee shop, and promised we would go and visit The lounge later in the week.

As we sat drinking coffee and mingling with my friends Lindsay began to get restless. I asked her what was wrong and she looked at me with a slightly apprehensive look and replied, You might think Im crazy, but I have to go Back to The Lounge. I know this sounds really insane but I have this feeling that there is something I have to do there tonight, and that it will change my life. I looked at her with some surprise but decided to indulge her whim. Off we went to The Lounge, and the strangest night of my entire life.

As soon as I was three steps into The lounge I saw Eric, he was staring at me with an intensity Ive never seen. It was as if time stopped and I was tripping really hard on some high quality LSD. The air seemed to shimmer and the rest of the lounge slipped into oblivion. It was only the two of us and swirling waves of color, his eyes... Dark shining eyes from that long ago dream, seeming to see into me and pass carelessly through the heavy Armour protecting my soul. He had the strangest look on his face as he walked up to me and softly welcomed us to his place, Lindsay broke the moment by asking how late The Lounge was open. Without taking his eyes off of me for even a moment he said as long as you two would like to stay... I have no recollection of what was said between us, my mind was swirling with the impossibility of meeting this man. I thought of all of my instinctive doubts about fate, destiny, signs and the ability to see into the future, but here he was. This man I had dreamed... This event changed my life and from that moment forward I began to believe in destiny and soul mates. I never truly believed that this man was my soul mate. I questioned long and hard, I tried to make myself believe even, but I never truly believed it. As much as I liked him and fell into a spell of incredulity I also knew that this was not a good man. Eric was not worthy of my love, my soul, my heart. Eric was into drugs and he drank incessantly, he had a girlfriend who he cheated on every chance he got, he only cared about money and what it would get him, he gambled, he was... Everything I always hated in men.

Then I began to look for ways and reasons we might be compatible. Im not ever jealous so cheating would not bother me at all. I dont care anything at all about money, but I am ambitious, so maybe I do need a materialistic partner to help me attain my potential in the arts. We would have looked pretty together, of that I was sure. Our pale skin together. His hair as black as coal and mine so dark as well. His features mirrored mine in their classical style, and his height complemented me. So he didnt excite me or stimulate me intellectually, I could have friends for that purpose. So he didnt share my values... I dont think I should have children anyway. So hes not a nice guy... Maybe I dont deserve nice.

In the end though I only used this confusion to inspire some of the best writing of my life, and once again find the sensual woman I was born to be. Nothing ever happened between the two of us, a light touch here, intense staring and words that could be taken in any manner we chose. Nothing real ever happened. It could have, but there was one tiny sticking point. In July I had decided to take a vow of celibacy. I promised myself that I would not have sex again until I either fell in love or got married. I had often considered marriage without love as an option, since it would absolve me of the risk of emotional investment, and offer me the security of a life long companion and stability. As for the other... I decided that sex without meaning had become pointless and didn't satisfy me at all, so why add to that ever dreaded number unless it was going to be worth the effort. I never thought I was in love with Eric, only that meeting him was the strangest experience of my life, and every moment I spent in conversation with him made me anxious and tired before we had hardly begun to speak.

I spent the next few months visiting The lounge and watching this man. I would observe him in action as he developed new friendships with women I would be embarrassed to sit next to. It seemed that his taste ran to women who invested obscene amounts of money in order to look trashy and cheap. One night was a fake blond girl with a Miss Piggy face and fake boobs stuffed like old sausage into a tube top made for a much smaller girl. Her jewelry piled garishly between plastic hills and dripping like so many competing tidbits on fingers topped with disturbingly long fake nails. The next was another blond with rather the same wardrobe, but a slightly prettier face, the next an aging Latina wearing a dress that gave no one any questions about her anatomy. The night of the latina Eric apparently decided to enliven his life a bit by calling his actual girlfriend up to visit him. He was sitting on a sofa with his arm casually draped around this woman when Cindy walked in, and she started a screaming match I could not believe.

Later as they made up over a bottle of rum, Eric told Cindy that the girl had been his friends plaything, and he was keeping her company, only for a second, while his friend ran an errand. I had to smile at his bald faced lie. He was telling it right next to me and I had seen them sitting together for the entire two hours I had been there chatting it up with the bartender and my habitual glass of ice water.

So Eric never even met the smallest of my real expectations of a mate, and I knew anything between us would inevitably end in betrayal, by him.

Time passed and I began to visit The lounge less and less frequently as my confusion about the oddity of meeting Eric was replaced by a growing distaste at his numerous vices. During that time I continued to write, not so often about love anymore, but about the horrors of mental illness and the sorrow of a life tainted by despair. As the long winter began its erratic slide into springtime my mood began to lighten and my natural optimism began to peek out from behind the winter cloak of hopelessness. I began to breathe, and live more like myself, and then I met Vina.

In a dozen ways he was different from every man Id ever dated before. He was intelligent in that rare effortless manner, he was witty without its usual cruel streak, he was tolerant, he was vibrant with strength and he seemed to glow with the beauty of a man in his prime.

I met him on a Tuesday, saw him briefly on Wednesday, and on Friday he called me from Sacramento to ask me out for Saturday night. I of course agreed, having witnessed many of his wonderful qualities already, and with the normal first-date trepidation I prepared to meet him on Saturday evening. I dressed in the quiet elegance and sensuality of black (perfect for every occasion), I applied my make-up with the care I normally reserve for clients of my artistry, I scented myself at every pulse point with a touch of Romance, and I carefully arranged my hair in its trendy yet artsy style.

He was 15 minutes late and I worried that he would not show up. He finally arrived, matching me in Black Slacks and a leather-ish shirt. We adjourned to my apartment for a few minutes of conversation, he told me I looked wonderful, I responded in kind.

From that first moment when He appeared on my doorstep I felt completely at ease. It was the first time Id ever invited a man into my apartment on a first date, particularly before the date started, and when no one else was home. I trusted him from the start, I liked him immensely, I could find no fault... So far.

He took me to a wonderful Jazz bar in the county, Strains of music surrounded by black and white wainscoting, and black leather couches. Tables with the severity of post modern design, and stack upon stack of steel filing drawers along the wall like sculpture. The photographer in me had to appreciate the abstract beauty of so many black and white prints hanging on the walls, and of course there was the music.

I fell into a sofa and listened to a soulful rendition of At Last while Vina got us some drinks, then as he sat next to me the music faded away into nothing. I only had eyes for him, and nothing else but his voice existed when we spoke. We talked about many things, I soon forgot what because he just looked so enticing sitting next to me. His eyes boring into me with such intensity, his full lips moving in a dance I could barely resist, his chocolate skin glistening in the dim lights of the bar. I truly couldnt resist when I whispered a quiet Uh huh... to some question and then moved in to kiss those beautiful lips.

There was no hesitation between us as we kissed unabashedly in this extremely high class bar. We gently explored each others mouths, our tongues dancing, we sucked and nibbled upon each others soft lips, we embraced with a tenderness I hadnt known to expect from a man. We stayed this way until the bar closed, talking and kissing, laughing and kissing, kissing and kissing... Then we walked to his car and continued our conversation.

We went to a nearby Dennys, as I was very hungry (I never eat before a date if I dont know where theyre taking me). We sat in a round booth, and talked in earnest about ourselves. I found out that he came from a small Caribbean country, that he was a writer as well as a doctor, that he belongs to Mensa... But only because it looked good on his med school application. We talked about everything, where we had traveled, the cities we liked best and why. We exchanged funny stories, and as I had previously assumed our first date was the most wonderful date of my life.

After Dennys we went back to my house. I showed him my photography portfolio and read him the poem that I had written, and considered my masterpiece. He looked at me in amazement as I read it to him. How did you do that? he asked me. I dont know... It just came to me as I wrote I shyly answered. We talked some more. We spoke about my childhood and all of its horrors, his childhood with its strict regimentation, and then before we got serious about kissing again he said we would talk about decent lives one day... but not yet. I filed that one away for later perusal, and kissed his fabulous lips once more.

It was nearly five o clock in the morning when he left my apartment. He was nearly falling asleep on my sofa when I asked him if he wanted to go home and sleep. The strange thing is that I know I should go home... But I really dont want to was his reply. We then said our goodbyes and he left me to my thoughts. A fabulous date... With a bad joke beginning?

*** Tamara***

So theres this Psychiatrist who starts dating a crazy woman and after a few weeks he begins to look more and more haggard... Yeah, thats how I thought it would continue. Starting with this bad joke about a doctor. How could Vivian even begin to believe that this man would ever like her for real? I told her from the start Vivian, hes probably just looking for someone to study, youre interesting... medically. She didnt believe me though. She told me I was being paranoid, that he got enough of that at work, and it would be unethical or something. As if that ever mattered to doctors or the government. Vivian never believes me though.

In October she didnt listen when I told her not to let them get a hold of her. Why should she want them to have the ability to trap her with their power? She didnt listen when I told her not to take the medicine, she didnt believe they would try to use it to control her mind and temper her artistic ability. She never believes me. She walks around all proud and arrogant like shes better than all of that, but really shes just as fucked up as I am.

At least Im not afraid to admit what I know about whats really going on. She attempts to brush the truth off because it inconveniences her. Shes really just scared to admit that the world is a very scary place. Shed rather bury her nose in a book and ignore me. No matter what the cost, she just doesnt want to know the truth.

So in October she went to get help from a government agency. She didnt like the truth that shes too fucked up to live a normal life. She started to sit and stare off into space, denying herself the smallest pleasure, denying the smallest pain. She started to forget everything again, not clean her house, and pretend I wasnt even there. It was like living with a puppet. Then the drugs they put her on made her a zombie. It took her five minutes to get even the simplest of jokes, and having a conversation with the poor girl was a practice in whats frustrating? She would sit at her computer and try to write, but she never found any words. She would try to sketch out her despair, but her fingers didnt work the same. She was never inspired. Then in December she started to come out of her shell. She finally took my advice and stopped taking the meds theyd forced on her. She started to paint and sketch, and then she met Eric.

I liked Eric from the start. He was smooth and arrogant. He has his head together, and his priorities straight. The Guy really has it going on. Plus, Vivian did dream of him before she ever met him. I kept telling her that meant for sure that he was her soul mate, but she as always doubted my opinion.

The fact is that she matches him in every way. Theyre both materialistic sluts. They both are willing to lie and cheat to get what they want, and well neither of them is deep enough to love anyone but themselves. I told her to go after him. Fuck the girlfriend I said, If shes not good enough to hold on to him... too bad for her! But Vivian wouldnt listen. She kept up that stupid talk about morals and values. As if she knows anything about morals and values. She said it would be wrong to interfere with his relationship. I told her it would be wrong for her to pass up the only real chance at happiness that shell ever probably find. So what if hed probably leave her for a younger model when she started to lose her looks. All guys are like that. Besides, she could have decided to trade him in for a cuter guy before he ever got the chance.

She just told me I was to much of a pessimist, and that I should know by now that she cant bear the idea of hurting someone like that. I dont understand why she tries to lie to me like she does. Ive known her longer and better than anyone else. I know what a heartless bitch she can be. I wouldnt even hang around her at all if she wasnt so much fun to hang out with when she actually gives into those base urges she sometimes has.

I finally had to take matters into my own hands with Eric. I convinced her to talk to him, to let him know what was on her mind. To give it a shot and at least know what he would be up for. She messed it up though. I told her to just tell him that she was attracted to him and then see where it took them. I even advised her to fuck him if the offer was given, because honestly, if ever there was a girl who needed some cock... Its Vivian with her touch me not ways. She decided not to take my advice though. She went up to him and said, Heres the thing, I am attracted to you, I think you are strong and charismatic and I would be willing to give it a shot with you if youre interested. He smiled and said, What exactly are you looking for here? Then Stupid ass Vivian had to come out with the, I realize that you are not the kind of man who will be faithful to one woman, but I would never put up with being number two... Not for anyone. Of course he answered with a smiling, No, you should never be number two... But you know I kind of have a girlfriend... Then Vivian had to say, I Know and I would never have said anything if I believed that you love her. I just dont think that you do. So Eric said that he thought he was getting close to loving Cindy, and Vivian said so thats your answer?, the worst part was that in answer to that question he said, Youre so Cute in the most indulgent manner. Like the same way you would call a baby cute.

I just about lost every shred of respect I could have ever had for her that night. I cant believe she would mess up such a simple thing. She should have just slept with him and seen if it was worth her time. I mean who would want to fuck up his relationship if hes no good in bed. Even Im not that heartless.

So then she goes home and writes these stupid poems about love and such. Her masterpiece came on the second day, a silly story about some couple who are separated by God when they die, just because hes an artist and therefore has to go to hell. As if anyone wants to read that shit anymore, and its five pages long! Doesnt Vivian know that in this day and age five sentences is almost too much time to spend reading?

So she goes on writing, and reading, and painting. She doesnt go back to the lounge for a while and she starts thinking about taking her medicine again. I finally convinced her to not take her zombifying drugs when she meets Vina. Vina tells her to take a different kind of medication for Bipolar, he said it wouldnt alter her mood, and she believed him!

I told her from the start not to trust him. I told her that he might have been planted by that government agency she goes to in order to make sure that she wont get where shes supposed to get with her art.

Everyone knows the government doesnt like people to think for themselves. If they had their choice everyone would be on anti-depressants. Then they could easily strip us of every right we ever had before we had the chance to figure it out. I told her... But she chose to listen to Vina instead of me.

While she was getting ready for her date I kept warning her to look out for certain signals. If he seemed too good to be true... Then he must be not very good. I told her that he probably just wanted to fuck her, or observe her as if shes some kind of lab rat. I told her that guys like him would never really be interested in her. For Gods sake, what could she possibly offer him? She doesnt think she should have kids because Bipolar is hereditary. She isnt stable, Shes flaky, Stupid, and never practical. Sure shes a decent artist, but shes not the best Ive seen. Sure shes cute, but what did that ever get a girl except for dick?

So she went out with him and after that all I was hearing about was Vina this and Vina that. Like he was so perfect. I mean it could never work out between them. Hes way smarter than her, he has more class in one finger than shell ever have in her life. He could have women smarter and prettier than her any day, and worst of all shes just a whiny little sourpuss under all of that candy coating, so even if she happened to get his attention, shed never be able to hold it! I still think the best argument I have against all of it though, is that shes not brave enough to work things out with him. Aside from the fact that he wont have the time to adore her as much as she demands of her suitors, hes black and most of her redneck family would never accept him because of it.

Even she admitted this, although in a pretty teasing way, she said it would be Sooo funny if she ever introduced him to her family. It would drive them crazy because they wouldnt be able to decide if they approved of not. Her exact words were Theyd be smiling.. hes a doctor! then frowning... hes black! I still think that was a very unrealistic expectation. Once certain people saw him they wouldnt care if he was the richest guy alive.

Plus he would never want to be with her once he saw what she came from, and found out just how many of the so called family members fucked around with her as a kid. Hed look at that and realize how dirty and used up she is. At least Eric could never say that to her, hes worse than she is.

Then what about when he found out that she already popped out two kids and abandoned them to some couple her mom found. Or when she told him she didnt know how many guys shes slept with. Like a man like him would touch goods as used as that. He might as well call a prostitute. She says its because she doesnt remember anything, but still I dont think it would matter to a guy as high class as him. Hell, every time he touched her he would feel contaminated!

She just never listens to me. I told her years ago to get used to being some trumped up whore. I told her not to count on her art, because shes not as good as some people are. I told her to just marry some adoring punk who wont leave her for another girl when she starts to look as used up as she is. I told her not to worry about the stupid notion of love.

I certainly told her not to make some crazy promise to herself about not having sex until she fell in love, but I did get her to add the or got married part so she could still marry some poor bastard that would have no idea of what he was getting himself into until it was too late and he was totally under the spell of her.

Thats the one thing that Vina said that I agreed with, Vivian does have some extremely intense eyes on her. You could get lost in them, theyre so big, and they express so much. Im not sure how she manages to show so much emotion in those eyes of hers. Everyone knows she doesnt feel anything about anything. Her eyes are intense though. Ive seen many a man fall neatly into her trap just by looking into them for too long. I used to wonder if she was some kind of witch, with those eyes and the ability to make so many men completely adore her.

I cant believe she wont use that to her advantage, but as usual she tries to make herself look good and says it would be wrong to lead guys on. I dont get that! I mean guys are only about one thing. If they are going to be with a girl its just for the sex. They dont have enough brain space to think about what really matters, they only care about the pussy. Vivian doesnt think so. She tells me that guys are pretty much the same as women. She says that deep down they have the same goals, but that they naturally tend to take a different route in achieving them, and theyre on a different time schedule and blah, blah, blah....

She also had the nerve to tell me that the guys that go around using women like Ive seen them do, are just doing it in retaliation for being used by women like me! Can you believe it? Ive never had a guy treat me like that! They do it to Vivian all of the time, even though she treats them like theyre so important and all of that. No man will ever get to me, I wont ever be someone elses dog!

She just never listens to me at all. She lets people shit on her whenever they want, and she rarely ever does anything to even tell them that shes upset about it. Id bet that half of the city thinks shes retarded or something. She just sits back with her kick me sign on her chest and waits for them to walk all over her. Then she tells me, Tamara, you have to understand that everyone has their own reasons for being the way they are. Maybe someone hurt them, maybe they just didnt think, maybe they didnt realize they were doing something wrong... Shes always talking about the forgiveness shit. Well fuck that! I cant believe shed stoop down so low as to forgive the dirty bastards who fucked her up when she was a kid! I cant believe she carries no hatred for the guys who knocked her up and then left her like the used up trash she is. I just dont believe it! I think shes just hiding it away inside and will use it one day to her advantage. I hope Im not there when it happens though, because I of all people know what kind of person she is, and I really dont want to witness the mayhem in store for the world when she comes apart.

That in a nutshell is what I think of all of this. Mostly its just that Vivian never even listens to me.








































You know, every time Tamara opens her mouth I wonder why Vivian even talks to her at all. That girl is certifiably insane. She is constantly putting Viv down and being negative about every positive step Viv takes. I sometimes think that all of the bad luck Vivian encounters is actually because she listens to Tamara.

I dont like to think Of Vivian as being so weak as to let Tamaras paranoid pessimism get in the way of her life, but if I decide to be honest with myself Id have to admit that Vivian doesnt always use the best judgment when it comes to some of her friends. She more than makes up with that one flaw with all of her amazing qualities though.

I can completely see why Vina would like Vivian. Viv is beautiful, innocent, sweet, kind, talented, intelligent, and honestly just an adorable woman. She projects so much confidence and satisfaction. I swear that when she walks into a room, everyone notices her. Its almost as if she has a special light around her, and no one can miss it, Vivian shines.

I wish she could see all of the beauty I see in her, but she has a million doubts. She often listens to the others though, and I tell her that they influence her badly, but they confirm so many of her worst fears about herself that she cannot let them go.

Its almost as if Vivian feels a need to punish herself for some imagined sin. Ive known her since she was a child and I cant see what she could blame herself for. When she met Eric I tried to convince her that a man like him could not possibly be her soul partner. Vivian deserves a man who will love and cherish her, and no matter how much passion the two of them might have shared he would not have been capable of giving her the love she needs. I was so happy when she decided to forget about him, and when she met Vina I could have jumped at the joy I felt.

Vina is the first man I felt was good enough for my Viv. He is a wonderful guy who will cherish her and treat her as she deserves to be treated. He is smart enough to retain her interest, and funny enough to keep her smiling, but the best quality he has for her is his ability to be stable and dedicated. Vina will be there for her when she is plagued with insecurity and self doubt. He will hold her hand when she stumbles with fear and panic. He will teach her that she can really trust, but I fear that the influence of her impulsive and negative friends will once again make her lose a great opportunity.

I never looked at Vina as just being good for Viv, I also think that she will improve his life. I tried to get her to understand that she has as much to give him as he can give her. Her lighthearted playfulness will add sunshine to his strictly disciplined life. Her soulful laughter could help him forget the hardships of another long day at the hospital. Her devotion and loyalty will make him feel less lonely in a city without any family and, not least, of all her passion and beauty could satisfy him in all of the ways a man wants to be satisfied.

I believe Vina could be her soul mate. They are so well matched. Both being introspective and thoughtful people, both caring for others as they do, both endeavoring to live a life of decency, and both strong enough to support the other in times of need.

I hope that Viv will realize all of this before she loses this wonderful man, and I hope that she will not let her insecurities destroy the potential I see for the two of them. I see in his eyes that he knows of the great potential. He enjoys her in a very special way. He loves her playfulness and flirtation. He is very attracted to her, and she inspires him to feel a lot of passion when they are together. I dont know how seriously he takes her right now though. There must be some questions in his mind. He is aware of her illness, and any normal person would wonder if they really wanted to deal with the problems surrounding an illness of the severity she suffers. Then he must also wonder if he even has the time to take on a relationship with such a woman, and if Viv could handle not being able to spend very much time with him. I wonder that myself, especially when I see her overanalyzing every word and gesture.

I think it could work out between them if only she can find the patience and strength of will to take things at his pace.





























Im just not at all sure that any of this with Vivian is worth the effort. She invests so much time and energy into things that are not real. What is love anyway? You cant hold it, it doesnt really give you anything except for more pain and another reason to die.

Maybe its a good thing for Viv to try to love and get herself hurt again, this time I will not carry the burden. Im just too tired to hold onto any more sorrow and grief, Ive tried and tried to get her to come with me. Im too scared to go alone, even though I know that it would make all of the pain go away... I don't want to meet death by myself.

Vivian is the only person Ive ever cared about. I cared enough to take the pain when we were children. To absorb the awful memories of times when we were hurt. She decided to block them out, but I couldnt. Vivian gave me no choice, someone had to remember what happened. I took it all, and I love her even with that.

I cant see why Vivian insists on hanging on to this life. Everything always dies, our hopes, our dreams. Its gotten to the point that I dont even try to think about positive possibilities. I know from experience that it will all end up in the shitter anyway.

When she met Eric I saw it as an intrusion. Id nearly convinced her to join me in that long walk home. After months of constant debate she was finally beginning to see my point of view, she was planning to join me... I could feel it so hard. I knew wed finally escape this life of hell.

Then she met Eric and her optimism returned. she completely forgot all of the progress wed made together. She decided to once again let go of the horror, and of course it all fell back on me. At least when shes as scared, hopeless and lost as I am I dont feel so very alone. I have a partner in agony, and we write together the most beautiful sad poetry about our hopeless existence.

I thought after she gave up on Eric maybe she would come back around to my way of thinking. That she would understand that there will never be anything good for us in this world. We apparently did something in a past life to warrant such torment in our present ones. I dont know what we could have done to deserve such pain and sorrow, but who am I to argue with karma?


Vivian tries not to listen to me though, she tries to convince herself that life has to get better for us. She and Veronica sit up late talking about all of the talent and potential Vivian has. I agree that she has a lot of talent, but everyone knows that artists are never appreciated when theyre still alive. If she would just join me on our path then she would be able to achieve that acclaim she so much wants.

Then after I was getting my hopes up for a final resolution of our pain she meets Vina. Its not that I dont like Vina, its just that to me he represents all that I despise the most about the world. He makes Vivian hope more than Ive ever seen her hope before. Shes so happy I almost mistake her for Vanessa, and rather than thinking about her true fate, to die young, she thinks about how wonderful it would be to spend years getting to know this complex man. She sits there and thinks that she could know him forever and never really know the depths of him.

This is the one true danger Ive worried about. The only thing that could tear our relationship apart. I hope that it doesnt work out between them because I dont want to lose Viv. Shes the only friend Ive ever known. Its almost as if without her friendship I wouldnt exist anymore, but I know Id still be here holding onto this horrible pain... Forever.

Yeah, Vina makes her feel so special and warm and fuzzy like. She gave him her trust for some reason, and she likes him more than she should. I just know that Im going to be the one to hurt though. Whatever way it turns out with them I will bear the cross. Either shell love him and forget about me, or hell hurt her and Ill have to bear the sorrow so she wont be alone.

Maybe it wont last long enough for her to get attached to him. Maybe hell figure out that she is just too sad and troubled for a man like him to deal with. Maybe Tamara, Talia, and Tessa will help me get rid of this guy. I dont want to lose Vivian, and besides... It would be for her own good.






















**** Veronica****

Vina... Vina... Vina..., Im so happy Vivian met Vina. Hes the kind of man a girl like her should be out there looking for. Hes handsome and smart of course, but even more important hes strong enough to take care of Vivian. Vivians a good girl, but she sometimes forgets about whats really important in life. She tries to convince herself that she doesnt need a man, as if a woman like her could ever be happy alone. She tries to be so tough and control her own life. Well I say its all a waste of time. Why should a nice girl like her have to worry about money and all of that when she can set herself up with a gentleman who will take care of her forever?

Im still upset that she left Saeed. I mean that man was a real man! He wanted to take care of her and love her until the day he died. Ive never seen devotion like that before. Of course we all read about it in wonderful romance novels, but in real life? To have a man like that is a treasure indeed.

Then silly Vivian had to go out with Kai, as if an artist could possibly work for her. Who would be grounded and reasonable? Between the two of them they would live and die without a penny, and probably without a home. It wasnt that Kai didnt have any sense of responsibility... Actually it was worse. Kai knew what the right thing to do was, but he didnt have the self- discipline to make sure he did the right thing. I think its OK for a woman to be that way, but a man? No, a man should lead the family, he should be firm and knowledgeable. It is the man who keeps all things in order. The woman might maintain the home, but it is the man who makes sure that the financial concerns and major decisions are correctly made.

Who would blame Vivian for being unable to manage her life? I agree wholeheartedly with Saeeds belief that a woman should not have to worry about those things. Vivian should have never been bothered with the worry of rent and utilities, food and other necessities. Her family should have taken care of all of that. The poor girl doesnt even have her family to count on though, and instead of using that pretty face to grab herself a husband, shes stuck with worrying about the bills... The worst thing about that is the wrinkles shell likely get from anxiety.

No, I never liked Kai, he was handsome for sure, but Vivian needs to be practical about who she chooses. If she were more of a masculine woman, maybe she could afford to go for passion... Shes not though, and we have to find the right man to love and care for all of the babies we plan to have.

Then she met Eric and I nearly died of horror! To think that Viv would ever consider a scoundrel like him! It was bad enough that she was in a bar at all, but to look twice at a man who associates with the loose women he apparently likes... Of course he was interested in her! Every dirty man desires a good woman to associate with, but he would have ruined her forever! All of the innocence and sweetness Ive worked so hard to retain in her... He would have dirtied her as sure as a swim in a pigsty would have. To think of it! I would never have even looked at a man like him. A lady ignores uncleanliness, I thought I taught her that early on, but apparently that lesson just didnt take. Maybe all of the ugliness of her childhood made her seek more of it, But I hope shell grow out of that fascination, maybe with Vina...

When Vina came along... I drew in a great breath of fresh air. I was so relieved that Viv might finally have found a guy who would adore her and take care of her. Im not sure that she knows enough about how to deal with a man to keep his interest, but Ill certainly be there to advise her on the proper manner of courtship.

Shes already ignored me on two things, first of all she kissed him first. I would have been horrified, except Vina seemed to rather enjoy her pertness. Then she called him... I have told her time and time again not to do things like that. A woman should never call a man until after hes called her. But Viv likes to subscribe to some of this modern culture. I suppose shell learn one day... I just hope that she learns in time to keep Vina.































Vivian. The pacifist, the shrinking Violet, the worrier, the forgiving one. She doesnt have a clue about life. Fuck love! Fuck who ever you want, then leave them before they get a hold of you! All of those so called romantic notions? Theyre nothing but bullshit dreamed up by some man in order to subdue us. They wanted to make sure we wouldnt get ours. They wanted to satisfy their egos. Thats what theyre all about, so why shouldnt we be just like them?

I met Viv a few years ago. A whacked out time in her miserable life. She finally figured out that she had the right to be angry at all of the sick fucks who used her and didnt think twice about it. She finally found some rage to give the lazy adults who didnt keep her safe. I met her then, she was so worried about all of the anger. Vivian doesnt like violence, so I was there to help her through it.

I know for sure that if I were her I would have killed all of those sick bastards. I would have had fun doing it too! I would have tortured them first, all tied up with fishing wire that would tear their skins like the animals they are. I would have used a rusty dull knife to hack away a pound of flesh for every time they fucked with me, I know just where I would have started too... That second brain that makes them stupid animals!

Vivian though, all weak and passive tells me that forgiveness is the right think to do. That they all punish themselves enough as it is, that they will suffer more at the hands of God than any punishment we could devise. As if there is a God! And if there is Id like to tell him to fuck off too! He would be the sickest bastard of all to let grown men rape babies, to let terrorists kill thousands of innocent people half-way across the world, to allow the sickness that infects this whole planet, a never ending plague of perversity! I would like to get my hands on that bastard too.

As far as the men in Vivs life... Theyre all what you can expect of single brain cell organisms. They all got what they wanted from her and didnt give her shit. They pretended to be so caring, but everyone knows that men are all evil. The only thing theyre good for is the satisfaction of certain desires, but any of those needs could be just as well met by a woman with a strap on. Probably better even since you could shop around for the perfect fit.

Eric was at least straight about the asshole he is. I have to respect the man for that. He didnt try to hide that hes a superficial prick whos just out to get what he can get from whoevers willing to give it. I liked him, at least Viv would have always knew where she stood with him.

I agreed with Tamara that Viv should have just fucked him and got it over with, shes always bitching about her self imposed state of celibacy... Why not get it where itll probably be good? She could have fucked his brains out and then decided if she wanted to go through the trouble of follow up visits. Sure I would have hated him anyway, but how could I not? He has a cock.


Then this Vina character. I hope she gets the fuck out of there. He is too smooth with the sweet talk, he tries to act like hes so different from all of the other assholes out there, but I see what he really is. Hes just the same player looking for an easy lay. He just has more education than the average guy.

I cant believe that Vivian is falling for this line of shit. The whole intense eyes, the letting her set the physical pace, not doing anything wrong. What is wrong with her? Any blind person could see that hes just moving in for the kill in the best way to do so with a girl like Vivian. Cant she figure it out? Hes been trained for years to deal with crazy people. Of course he knows how to make her feel safe, of course he knows not to be pushy. Fuck! Vivian can be so hard headed sometimes.

I just hope we can keep her from fucking her life up with this loser. Hed use her for as long as he wanted, then throw her ass away like garbage. She cant take that kind of pain, and I dont want to fuck with picking up the pieces and trying to figure out how to get her to get over this self-destructive forgiveness crap.



























Sweet Vivian

so scared and carefree

A study in contradictions

One moment in love

Then its age old history

Dreaming of knights of time long past

Then once again she prays for freedom

Swallowing the hopes that she once dreamed

and pitching the hopes that should last .


Sour Vivian.

Like the loveliest lemon youd find

Vivian of sorrow

Forgotten tomorrows

Dying without knowledge of her mind


Did you know that Vivian

Is so much more than what

she seems

Did you know that Vivian

every day ignores all of our


Can you see her sitting there

The innocent victim of


Can you hear her silent cries

As she tearfully thinks its too


Did you know that Vivian is

The queen of secrets and of


She shows the world her sunny best

then hides deeply within our


For Vivian is not Vivian

Just a conglomerate of


She contains so many people

Most would think she is a


***CHAPTER 2***


Vina told me today that he just wants to be friends. He says he doesnt have time to deal with a relationship. He said it becomes an interference. I just knew Id mess it all up. I just wish I could have been less crazy, I should have never called him, I shouldnt have been so available, I shouldnt have like him so much. I cant believe I let myself get dragged so deeply into him, I started to daydream about him, wonder if we could make it, and then I would constantly worry about whether or not he really liked me. Why couldnt I have just taken him at face value and let his actions when we were together define how he felt? I let my insecurities make me into a crazy bitch. I should have listened to that little voice telling me to be patient. I should have let it alone and took what little time he had for me when he had it.

I know if I had it to do over again I would do it differently, but it is far too late now, Ive gone and fucked everything up. Im such a loser.

I didnt see him for over a week after our date, and he never called. I had just decided to forget about him and ignore him for his rudeness if I saw him again when he showed up at the lounge. I meant to walk right past him without a glance, I even straightened my back and held my head high in self pride, but when he said hello I couldnt help but respond to him. Then we talked for some time outside. He never apologized for not having called me, but he did say that hed been super busy. He told me he came in hopes of seeing me, and that made me happy. I touched him only once that night. I squeezed his hand, but I was keeping my distance... I was still hurt at his lack of courtesy.

I could have walked away after that night without getting hurt, but then he showed up at Shiva the next evening and we spent the entire evening laughing and talking and kissing. God, he blew my mind, so gentle and sweet. So much letting me set the pace, so patient. We decided to walk back to the coffee shop together, he held my hand as we walked.

When we got to the coffee shop we decided to take another walk, it was far better to have each other to ourselves. We walked and talked about whatever came to mind then we turned back because he needed to study. At one darkened alley I pulled him inside and kissed him with all of the passion he inspired in me. He kissed me back, our bodies so close together, kissing lips and necks, I caressed his back and sides ad we kissed, he did the same to me. I dont know how long we kissed there for, but he asked me to come and see him at work the next day.

I quickly agreed, happy to see him whenever I could, and he walked me to the corner by the coffee shop and said goodbye.

The next day came slowly and then he was far too busy to see me. I was going to stop by and drop off dinner for him, but I decided that wouldnt be the best thing to do. I didnt see him two more weeks, days passing in more and more agony. I would page him every couple of days and he would either not call, or blow me off when he did call. Then one day I finally decided to give him an easy out since he was obviously not interested in seeing me anymore. I paged him from a coffee shop and said Look Vina, Im not going to call you again because I feel like Im just bothering you, and you dont want to talk to me. He quickly said, Im in a meeting right now, but lets talk about this. lets go out tomorrow, I should be getting off early... say eight... Ill call you at 7:30, ok? I agreed to wait, but the next day he didnt call at the time he said he would. I finally relented and left him a its ok if were just friends, it doesnt seem like you have room for me in your life right now speech. He called me just minutes after Id left the message and said he was still at work and that wed do it another night. He asked me to please not be mad at him, and of course I decided not to be. The next evening I finally went to see him at work to give him a silly story. That night made all of my insecurities disappear. When he met me he hugged me right off, then he led me back to some offices with his arm around me as we went.

He seemed so different to me in his work environment, so self-assured and at peace. it made me happy to see him like that. We talked for a few minutes about what we had been doing then I told him I missed his Goatee. He smiled and said My goatee?.. I missed you like crazy, but Ive been so busy... then I asked if it was ok to kiss him at his work, and he said ok.

He was much more aggressive with me that night. Im not sure if it was because I climbed up on his lap as we were kissing, but his kisses became more demanding than they had been before, and before I knew it he had picked me up and carried my to the other side of the room. He had me against the wall, my legs around him as we kissed. Our passion burning, and yet I was somewhat worried about him getting in trouble. His beeper went off then and he said he should go. I said one more kiss.. and we were back at it again.

I think he was paged three times while we were kissing and exploring each other, each time he ignored them and continued kissing me. After a while I pulled away and said I didnt want to get him in trouble, so we left the office. On the elevator we kissed again, it was a short two-floor ride but we used every moment very well. Then as he began to step out he pulled me close again for one last sweet kiss and a smile goodbye.

I could feel him on me for hours after that. I would touch my lips and remember the feel of him. I would close my eyes and think about that sweet smile as he left me on the elevator. I still do that sometimes, his beautiful face has been burned into my memory.

He said he would call me soon when I saw him, and my fears were relieved by his reaction to me at the hospital. It was as if he was drinking me in then and memorizing every part of me to hold him until our next meeting. His heart was pounding as we kissed, and he didnt want to see me go.

But then the days slipped into weeks and he didnt call. I paged him sometimes, but if he happened to call back he didnt have the time to say more than two words. I felt as if he had forgotten me. Then Yesterday I got my new cell phone and gave him a call, he called me and said I had bad timing. I told him Id be in the area later and asked if he wanted me to page him then. He said yes and we said goodbye.

I took the train down to the city, the station was near his hospital, and I paged him. My phone was dying just as I paged him, so I ran inside the hospital to page him from a number that would actually work.

I waited for fifteen minutes for him to call back, my anger rising with each passing second. How could he be so rude and thoughtless? He told me to page him and obviously didnt have any intention of calling me back! As I left the vending room where the payphones were at I took out the card with his number and threw it away. I gave up on him then, my mind made up that it was not worth the worry and anxiety, and that he was obviously not mature enough to be straightforward with me. I walked down to the coffee shop to have a soda and pout about my misfortune.

Later that night I decided to hit Reggae night at Shiva. Id decided that it would be safe because I was sure he would be avoiding any place he knew me to frequent. I was there for a little more than a half an hour when Vina walked in. He looked so damn good in his black shirt and slacks. He was wearing a baseball cap, and I was surprised to see that I still found him attractive in casual dress (I normally dont like that). I approached him nervously at the bar, and he didnt seem very happy to see me. He turned back to the bartender and then offered me a handshake as a hello. He grabbed his beer and said he needed to sit down since he just got off work. I led him back to my table but he just walked right past me to strike up a conversation with a guy. I was unbelievably hurt that hed brushed me off so obviously, he hadnt said hed be back, or even acknowledged me at all. I waited about ten minutes for him to come back over, but he didnt. I finally decided to leave and went up to tap his shoulder and tell him I was going but that I would like to speak to him for a minute before I left.

He finished up his conversation, and then we went over to the side of the bar. Im a little confused here Vina, I said, the last time I saw you, you seemed so happy to see me, so into me and everything, and now you act as if you dont even know me... He looked straight at me and said, I dont know what youre talking about. well, Vina I said in frustration, Two weeks ago you were all over me at the hospital, and now... You dont even seem happy to see me. Vina took a long swig of his beer before replying, I dont know what you mean, Im always happy to see you. I looked up at him in amazement before sputtering, ...You Greeted me with a Handshake! What am I supposed to think about that!? He sighed then and said, Youre right, I did didnt I? Look, can we just be friends? I was quiet for a moment and then said, well Id rather be friends than nothing... then I told him how much I enjoyed his company, that I thought he was great, and he told me then that he wished it were different, but that he really didnt have time for a girlfriend. I swallowed my pride and tried to find some way to get around this obstacle, but there was none. I think I may have made a fool of myself... Actually I know I did, but it was so loud in Shiva that I had to be very close to him in order to hear what he said. I was at least a little tipsy by then, and well, I couldnt seem to keep my hands off of him, or my distance. After a short while of more talking he suggested that we go mingle... I went and spent two seconds chatting with the three people I knew at Shiva, other than Vina, and then went back to say that I didnt know anyone who wasnt working. We walked over to watch the band then, and after a short while I began to feel too upset to stay there. Seeing him, wanting to touch him, kiss him, dance with him, sit next to him became more than I could bear.

I told him I was going to go because I didnt seem able to keep my distance and I was a little drunk. He said, no, stay and mingle... I agreed, and was reminded of a reggae CD I had made for him the week before. He said he should come over to my apartment... as just friends. I didnt say anything and tried very hard to relax, but after a few minutes more I just couldnt bear to be so close and the band was playing songs about love and happiness that made it a million times worse. I tried once again to leave then. He again asked me to stay, I finally was exasperated with him. Why do you want me to stay so bad? I questioned in near anger. He didnt have an answer to that question, the he said something like he wanted me to stay because I wanted to stay. I told him then that I wanted to leave, and he said ok, hed call me. I said I wouldnt hold my breath, but he insisted he would.

I was beginning to feel suffocated at Shiva, my emotions were threatening to spill over and I didnt want to cry in front of Vina. I asked one last time if there werent some way we could work it out. He sharply answered that it wasnt the right time or place to talk about it, and I nearly ran out in embarrassment. I began the walk back to the coffee shop near to tears. I was upset at myself for having behaved so ungracefully. I couldnt believe how pathetic Id become, and that Id been stupid enough to get emotionally involved with a guy I barely knew.

Id gone only a block or two when a handsome man in a silver sports car pulled up next to me. He asked if he could give me a ride. I hesitated, thinking about the stupidity of getting into a car with a stranger, then decided to just say fuck it all, and take the risk. I was, at that point, so embarrassed and angry at myself that I didnt care what happened. I had fucked up every good thing Id ever had the chance at, and Vina was just one more example of my stupidity and worthlessness.

Luckily for me Martin drove me safely to the coffee shop, then joined me for a soda. He was obviously drunk, but I was so upset that I didnt care that Id just endangered myself in two ways. A stranger, and a drunk driver! We talked for a few minutes and he told me I was beautiful. Then he was getting tired and left. He asked for my phone number and said hed call the next day.

I gave him my phone number not caring if he would call. I knew he probably wouldnt, and that if he did I would most likely refuse to see him. What must he have thought of me getting in his car like that? No respectable adult would do that, so even if he did call... it would probably only be to get down my pants.

I went home upset, went to sleep upset, and woke up the next morning upset. I called and left a message on Vinas machine when I knew he wouldnt be there. I apologized for my crazy behavior, and told him I agreed with his decision to just be friends. I told him I was looking forward to talking to him if he ever got the time to call, and promised to give him my new number if I moved.

I havent talked to him since then, and I probably wont. I have an appointment at his hospital in a little over a month, so I guess Ill maybe give him a call while Im there. I dont know if Ill even do that though. Vina obviously doesnt like me, and if I wanted to be honest with myself... Im really to mentally ill to be dating anyway. I cant even deal with myself... How could I in all fairness ask someone else to deal with me?

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things
which escape those who dream only by night.
~Edgar Allan Poe